Wednesday, August 11, 2010


It has come to my attention that Sirius, my Mac, has an unhealthy obsession with Shakira. Nay, he is addicted. To her dulcet tones, to her hips not lying, and to her pleading for him not to bother. 
I quote from my conversations with Glen:
Me: Sirius appears to be in a Shakira mood tonight...
Glen: Dare I ask?
Me: Last 5 songs have all been Shakira... And this is on a 2000-or-so song long playlist that is being shuffled... clearly, Sirius has a love interest.
Glen: LOL... 'Whenever, wherever, Sirius and Shakira will be together'
Hehehehe, that sentence still makes me giggle, read it aloud. 
Anyway, what song is now playing? La Tortura. Shakira feat. Alejandro Sanz. This is more than infatuation.
This is a serious love.
Glen: LOL
Me: If the next one is Shakira, forgive me, but I'm going to have to start drafting intervention plans and painting a sign.
Glen: I almost hope it is now just to see your reaction.
Me: I sort of hope it is too... I've never held an intervention... Nope. Sirius has realised I'm onto him. He's now gone on a 20-song streak of no Shakira... And she's back... Do I have due cause for an intervention?
Glen: LOL, yes. Yes you do.
So my very first intervention must be staged to help Sirius. I consulted Google with 'how to stage a successful intervention' and came up with this site, titled - lo and behold! - How to Stage a Successful Intervention.
Jared More, I offer my sincerest thanks for your article. Together, we may help Sirius get out of this horrible place he's in.
If you feel your friend or family member is steeped in a dangerous addiction, staging an intervention can be an effective way to get that person to seek help.
Well, Sirius is definitely addicted. And I think it's rather dangerous. It's like Don Juan de Marco... centrefold/singer from Colombia addiction and infatuation is unhealthy.
Go to the people around him or and speak to them privately about the idea of an intervention. You want the people closest to him, who care about him, and who he cares about as well. Even if you do not like someone who he cares about, it’s important to let these biases be put aside for the purpose of this. If he doesn’t care about the people confronting him, it won’t work. He has to respect these people, and value their opinions. The threat of these people walking out on him needs to have great impact. 
After discussing this with Steve Jobs, Bill Gates, Lupin via email, James via telepathic communication, Harry via the iPod dock, Stanley and Glen, our group is formed. Sirius holds great respect for his fellow Marauders and his godson, and as the man behind his construction and the man responsible for Microsoft Office on his hard drive, he clearly respects Steve Jobs and Bill Gates. Sirius also respects me, as his owner, and Glen, as Glen is knowledgeable about computers.
So if this does not scare Sirius into submission, I don't know what will.
It may be beneficial to talk to an interventionist, who can guide you through the intervention process and, if requested, be present during the intervention. Having an addiction specialist present can help moderate the group if the group does not know what they are doing. 
Consulting the How I Met Your Mother cast should do the trick. Right, next.
The group should meet beforehand to lay out how they will approach the addict and what they will say to him. Treatment options should be researched in advance, so that help can be suggested and offered immediately. It may be good for everyone to have a speech or something to say written out beforehand, so that everyone’s impact can be felt on the person. That way, everyone can adjust their speeches if they sound too blaming, rather than loving.
I have decided to go with, "Sirius, I am concerned about you. You have been infatuated with Shakira for far too long. In response to your inevitably defensive look, it is a fact. We still love you, however. We just want you to get help." [open arms for a hug]
As for treatment plans, I vote a heavy dosage of the Beatles or Coldplay. If that does not work, we move in for the kill by borrowing Chris's copious amounts of Kanye West.
Kanye will interrupt even the most stubborn of fetishes.
Following the intervention, the addict will either admit it or deny it. If he admits it, escort him to his place, help him pack a bag, and take him to a treatment center for admission. If he denies it, unfortunately, the ultimatum’s consequences must begin immediately. Hopefully, the lack of his loved ones supporting him will prompt him to take action in a few days.
If Sirius denies all of our truthful arguments, that's it. I pull out his cord for a day and rely on Harry to fulfil all musical requirements.

NOTE: I am aware that Sirius is a computer and wholly relies on computing patterns and binary code and other technical terms to formulate his playlist.

But I am dramatic and I wanted to write a story. Why would I pass this opportunity up? 

UPDATE: So on Saturday the 14th, just when I'd gotten past the looks of disbelief at my claim of Sirius being in love with Shakira, I put on some music and left Trina and Nick in my room while I made dinner.
Trina came out a bit later.
"Tash," she said, sort of hesitantly (because prior to that I'd been on a deathrage), "Sirius is playing a lot of Shakira."
"How much is a lot?"
"Last 10 or so songs."
I was nervous. "He's still on shuffle, right?"

"Yeah, we haven't touched him."
I strained to hear. Sure enough, Sirius was playing Illegal
I can't be bothered giving him consequences, though I did stubbornly play Chartjackers all night long and now they've taken over my Top 25 most played.

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