Friday, June 10, 2011

Thoughts, again.

So I've not blogged on here for a while.
Sorry, todos.
I could say that I'm working on something fabulous. -Unfortunately, that's a lie. And the only other thing I'm really working on is a dodgy fan-fic, an attempt to sort out where my novel will be going (because I'm never going to complete a NaNoWriMo unless I do that), and another blog where I'm just rambling about books for a long long time.
I could say that I'm really busy as of late. -Unfortunately, retail has dropped significantly, so my extravagant hours are moot.

So I'm just going to tell the truth.
I don't know what to say.

Lately, I'm in a bit of a funk. It's an irritating funk, because it's hashtag-firstworldproblems all over. My biggest problem is that I'm living with my parents (age 19) and seem to completely freak guys out?
I still get food and I don't get beaten every day.
Yet it's something that bothers me - more the latter than the former, because I know that the living with parents stint will finish in a few months (we hope). But gah, why on earth do I freak out guys all the time?

Chronically unloveable, is what flickers through my mind every time I try and think of good qualities for myself.
Always a fail.
Never going to be worth it.

The last time I liked a guy, I was sort of smitten. Okay, very smitten. I tried pursuing, which didn't work out too well. I backed off, which worked for a little while, then --
Oh, then. Then he got with someone else.
Now married.
This is the low point of my 'love life', non-existent as it were. Unfortunately, it also exists as the high point.

The guys I like don't ever choose to like me back.
The guys who do like me, I am never attracted to. I can see them as friends, but as anything more? My head puts a large big cross over it and says, "Don't. Even. Go. There."

And maybe it's not just me.
But it sure as heck feels like it, and even though I'm only 19 and everyone apparently gets like this at some stage, I don't care.
I just want some form of love, from a man in this universe, in this world.

You know what? I'm really, really, so much fun when I get in these moods.
It's good I'm going to hit publish on this post.

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